The Sex Toy Party

So back in December I was invited to a sex toy party by my boyfriend's roommate's girlfriend, Elizabeth. Originally my boyfriend and I had plans to go to an ugly sweater party the same night of the sex toy party, but my bf really wants me to be friends with this girl and make more girlfriends so he encouraged me to go to the sex toy party instead.

So I did.

And he still went to the ugly sweater party.

That was being thrown by the two hot chicks upstairs in his apartment building.

Jerk.

Luckily the hostess of the party provided the party with copious amounts of champagne, so I managed to drink myself through the awkwardness.

The lady who runs the party showed up and needed us to help her bring up all of her supplies to the room. I was tasked with carrying this very large case that resembles a case one might put an instrument in, or a gun. I was very curious as to what was in this box.

The party started by her introducing herself and dropping hints about how awesome it is to be a sex toy party lady and how much money she makes etc etc (*cough*pyramidscheme*cough*).

We then started passing around the lingerie she had for sale. I was at the end of the semi-circle so I lost out on anything that was cute because it was claimed by someone else first. Oh well, whatever, I'd rather be naked than in some frilly froofroo shit anyway.

Then she started passing around lubes and giving us a rundown on what it was/did/why we needed it.

Yeah totally not awkward at all.

We even got to try some stuff! Like this bosom buddy cream!

Yeah she passed out q-tips and had us all rub it on our nipples. Nothing like a bunch of girls awkwardly reaching in their shirts to put something like that on to set the mood!

I was getting pretty drunk at this point, to curb the awkwardness, when she finally opened the case. I tweeted a pic with excitement.

THE CASE IS FULL OF VIBRATORS!!!

Then she started passing them around and explaining how great they all are. She started passing them around from the opposite end of the semi circle.

This ended with me having 3 to 4 vibrators in my hands and on my lap, all vibrating, as they all got passed around to me.

I drank away the awkwardness of that night so much that I don't remember much after this. I woke up in my bed the next morning with a bag of the goodies I had bought next to me.

In other news, I would never go to one of these again. Ever.

Hello from Florida

How to Use a Dishwasher

It has come to my attention that some people who have dishwashers do not know how to use them. So I am going to do my civic duty and explain this to those of you who don't understand why your dishwasher isn't cleaning your dishes.

First of all, if your dishwasher is older than a few years then it's probably not that high powered, and thus will not get off food that has been sitting on a plate in the sink for 5 days. The dishwasher is not some magical machine that sends out little scrub brushes to individually wash off the crusted mess on every dish.

First step: Rinse your fucking plate off.

Seriously. This is not hard. You're probably going to put it in the sink anyway so just rinse it off. If you happened to leave your plate out with food on it that is now crusted onto it: SCRUB IT OFF. Your shitty dishwasher will more than likely NOT do this for you. Also crusted on food sitting in the sink starts to smell after a while, and then no one wants to touch the dishes.

Second step: Put the dishes IN the dishwasher.

This seems to be the hardest step for some people, which is really fucking confusing because the dishwasher is normally right next to the sink. It's not like you have to go very far out of your way to open the dishwasher and put a dish in it. Seriously. Just fucking put it in there. If the dishwasher happens to be full of clean dishes: TAKE THEM OUT and then put your dish in there.

It doesn't really matter how you load your dishes in the dishwasher. I have my way, my roommates have theirs, my boyfriend has his. The only thing you need to remember while loading your dishwasher is this: Your dishwasher probably has some similar piece on the bottom rack to that circled in the picture below. DO NOT cover this. This is where the water spout thing comes out. If you cover this none of your dishes will get clean except maybe the one covering it.

Don't cover this. Seriously. Don't.

Step Three: Run the dishwasher.

This step is pretty easy. Just close the dishwasher and turn the dial to start it, or press the start button, or whatever your shitty dishwasher has.

You probably have some options on the front of your dishwasher. If your dishwasher is old/really shitty you should probably put it on pots and pans/pot scrubber/whatever just in case. I usually do heated dry too just because I like it.

Step Four: Empty the dishwasher.

This seems to be pretty difficult too. I don't know if it's a "I ran the dishwasher so the other person can empty it" thing, but when you don't empty the dishwasher you start the whole cycle of gross as fuck dishes piling up in your sink. Seriously. It takes less than 5 minutes to empty. Stop being a lazy fuck.

And there you have it. A whole guide on how to use your dishwasher. Now get off your computer and go clean up that mess in your sink.